Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
My new goal in life is to be as funny as the dude that wrote that. Here's my first shot.
When Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer met for the first time Chuck gave him the Ryan Atwood 180 and roundhouse kicked him in the face knocking him off his feet onto the ground. Jack looked up at Chuck and said, "Do you trust me?" After which Jack pulled out his CTU standard issue glock, shot Norris in the knee, and said, "I've killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now....sucka."
Man, not even close.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Jenny: "I love treasure movies, Goonies, Indiana Jones, National Treasure."
Jenny: "I love treasure movies."
Kristi: "What? I'm sorry."
Man, I need to start listening to Jenny or stop watching National Treasure. I so swear. So glad I know where that is from now. Much more meaningful.
In honor of the movie I thought I would highlight a few things I think are "National Treasures."
2. Diet Coke. If squirrels and puppies are addicted I'm pretty sure I don't have a shot in hell of givin' this stuff up.
3. Jon Voight aka "The Voight"
May I just mention that when I googled him in google images a picture of the Pope came up. Coincidence......I think not. He is defintly one of those men that got less weird looking with age.
5. Scrabble. And I quote: "Is plode a word?"
"I know you can explode....I know you can implode.....but can you ever just plode?"
ps. Jenny do you know this woman? If not I think you should run against her for Position #2. It sounds like a prime position to start your quest for world Jenny-nation. Your slogan could be "Ditch the I Vote for Y....suckas." I would be glad to be your campaign manager. Think about it.
Friday, January 27, 2006
First of all I went out last night in search for a bizzle dizzle gizzle for a certain someone. What did I end up with??????? A Game Cube.
How did this happen? I went from Nordstrom to Best Buy where for some reason me and my friend Khaki (trying to keep his or her name under wraps for obvious security reasons) decided we needed to play Mario Kart. Needless to say 30 minutes later we were sitting on my living room floor trash talking and hurling bananas, bombs and huge chompers on chains at each other. It was amazing.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
1. Pumpkin Pie-will remain dead to me until I forget the year I got food poisoning on Thanksgiving. Needless to say......last thing down......first thing back up. Pumpkin Pizzie will never be the same for me again.
2. M*A*S*H-I was under the impression that Annalise was a big supporter of the show, I now see that is only partially correct. Forgive me.
3. Kristin aka "anonymous"-one swift kick in the pants should do. Thanks in advance.
4. J-Wall. I did in deed know you would be the only one who would not go postal for being on the list. It seems as though I may have been incorrect in that assumption. Good blogging. Consider this your official removal. You are no longer "on notice."
As we all know with the removal of one comes the addition of another. I would like to officially put American Idol " on notice". I realize this will outrage many of you my readership, however I am not a huge fan of this show and they keep playing it instead of House. A show I have grown very fond of. Good luck getting off.....gonna need it.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
First off, he and Steve Carell used to host a show called "This Week in God," in which he reported on all things theological with the assistance of the "God Machine." Hilarious.
Second, he, Sedaris and Dinello created Comedy Central's first ever, live-action, narrative series, Strangers with Candy, a twisted take on the classic and typically moralistic after school specials. We gotta find that show. Sounds amazing. Now on to my lists.
The following people, places and things are "ON NOTICE"
1. my garbage man
2. Draco Malfoy
3. Mark Pollei-he needs to call me back
4. Chapstick-i'm addicted and can't live without it now, not good
5. Gorillaz- a. that is not how you spell that
2. how can a digital band give concerts
d. what the h is a digital band?
6. Seran Wrap-that stuff annoys the crap out of me, it doesn't stay put and i can never get that tear strip toothy thing on the box to work
7. Maroon 5-I think we all know it's about time to put out another album-slackers!
8. Prince William-I have yet to see you comment on my blog.
9. The two wrinkles i found under my eyes-I am not that old! Come on!
10. Jenny "no middle name" Willardson-you better blog if you want to get off this list
The following are "dead to me"
2. Linkin Park, Creed, and Nickelback, they're all the same band as far as i'm concerned-all crap
3. PC's-all of them, even this one I'm typing from right now
4. Un-naturally blue foods-name two foods that occur in nature that are blue....that's right there's only one, lets keep it that way
5. MASH-sorry Annalise and Steve, but I hate that show, especially the opening song-dead
6. Lifetime...the tv network. Enough said.
7. Techno-same thing over and over does not a song make
8. All the Land Before Time sequels (thanks Dane)-how many of those are there now?
9. Pumpkin Pie-yuck!
10. Conoco gas station on Bulldog-a. nasty DC b. ridiculously slow service c. drive thru sucks
For any of you on notice....you know who you are so you better shape up. People who are dead to me.....you've got some work to do to get off that list.
Friday, January 20, 2006
This blog is dedicated to Kristin's broken movie plate, for which we are all sad is gone. I would like to take a moment to reflect on the plate, whom I will call "chipper." Let me take this time to provide a dramatic reading in honor of chipper. It is entitled:
"Miss Me, But Let Me Go"
When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a plate set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the food I allowed you to share.
Miss me, but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the potter's plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds (and baked goods for Kristi). Miss me, but let me go.
Let us all remember chipper and the good deeds he used to perform. Remember the snacks, the salads, sandwiches, egg toast, and stolen bagels he used to gently hold. Remember chipper, but let him go.
Peace be with you in this time of mourning.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Today's Bushism is VERY blog-worthy.
"I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging."
--At the dedication of his portrait;
January 4, 2002
Amazing! Ok first things first. J-wall, so sorry for the "blatant rip-off of your "reasons why luke wilson and i are destined for each other." But I must say I did some research yesterday and decided none of us are that original. Either that or a lot of people are ripping off our stuff. Take for example the 45 hits on Google for "Let's Give 'em Something to Blog About." Man, you think you've come up with something original and google manages to rip that dream to pieces. Or the 969 hits for "Jack Bauer Power Hour." I must admit this was all very disturbing to me. I figure that with this information I can do one of three things.
A. Become dedicated to a little cause I like to call "Operation Coinage" in which I will attempt to coin a phrase or idea that has no hits on google.
2. Give up and continue the delusion that I have original thought and stop googling.
D. Combine these two ideas and keep coming up with what I think are original ideas, but check them before I declare Operation Coinage complete.
I choose 2. Let's face it I'm lazy and it's a little too depressing to realize that I am not as funny as I think I am.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
I did a little web based research about the life and times of Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland and thought I would share the dirty details with all of you. I like to entitle this:
TEN REASONS WHY HE AND I ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER.
1. He was born in London, England....I've been to London, England and have actually be referred to as an "anglophile." Enough said.
2. He has a really long name, I like long names.
3. He has a twin sister, I have a sister too! Match made in heaven.....I think so.
4. Stephen Speilberg gave him his "lucky break" my dad Steven gave me a lot of lucky breaks.
5. He was the leader of a villinous gang ov vampires in "The Lost Boys (1987)", I used to watch Buffy (which I was a little ashamed of until now).
6. He named his daughter Sarah Jude after his two friends Sarah Jessica Parker and Jude Law, obviously I now have the name of my first born (boy or girl no matter).
7. Kiefer was one of the Three Muskateers, I love that candy bar.
8. Kiefer is 40, right at the cut off of my dating age limit. (ok, until I found that out is was 35, but 40 would still work)
9. Kiefer starts with a K, so does Kristi.
10. Because we both like cardboard Ellen (if you watched today you will appreciate that one).
Peace out friends.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Well, everyone is off doing fun stuff today to commemorate the life and works of Martin Luther King....I on the other hand am working. Boo! Let me give you the highlights of my day so far.
1. Remembering 24 last night
2. Thinking about 24 again tonight
3. Lunch (aka leaving work for an hour)
4. Kanye on Ellen, so hot! How can a man look so good in a ratty old Les Miserables sweatshirt circa 1992? He never ceases to amaze. (although if you watched he is a little intense...spiritually)
5. When my iTunes shuffled to "Oo de lally" from the Disney animated version of Robin Hood...didn't even remember I had that song.
6. When my clock hit 4pm, becaue that means I only have an hour of work left, and more importantly roughly 3 hours till 24.
7. When i reread my Bushism for the day. "The CIA laid out several scenarios and said life could be lousy, life could be OK, life could be better, and they were just guessing as to what the conditions might be like." Apparently the CIA is very detail oriented when outlining "scenarios"
8. And this is not a highlight, but I would like everyone to take a moment to remember President Palmar, who I like to refer to as "the big bear" because that is what he reminds me of. Thank you.
Peace, love and violence warnings (cross your fingers).
Thursday, January 12, 2006
First things first, Bushism of the day:
"I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they're getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere. And they say, 'Man, you're looking pretty.'"
Now that that's over with I must move on to more pressing issues. I realize that lots of things happened last night and I said I would include them in today's blog, however a much more important task is at hand.
Annalise has informed me that she will be unable to watch 24 this season! Are you kidding me! Do the words "Jack -- Bauer -- Power -- Hour" mean nothing to you? This is why I have decided to make a list of the top ten reasons Annalise should suck it up and watch 24 with us!
10. Jenny has promised to make brew if you will come watch with us on Sunday. (do i really need to keep going)
9. You have invested many seasons in the show and with the exception of when Kim had that whole cougar problem you have never been disappointed....can you really give up now?
8. Let me just say this, "What would Jack Bauer do?" I think you know he would pull himself together, go off drugs cold turkey, pack up his Ford SUV, grab Tony from his hell hole apartment and get crazy. That's what I'm talkin' about.
7. Can you really give up on a show that manages to use the split screen in such an amazing way?
6. The timer! What will you do with out that sound? I know you can hear it in your head right now. Bink-Bink-Bink-Bink
5. How will you know if the growling black smoke has infiltrated LA too, if you don't watch 24? Hey, it could happen.
4. Do you watch any other show that has a warning for violance? Didn't think so, this can be the one.
3. Kiefer's voice. Enough said.
2. Tony, Jack, President Palmer, Sherry's ghost, Chloe.....must I continue
1. And the final reason, because if you're not there I might just have to find Mr. Echo so he can hit you with his "Jesus Stick."
Fannalise.......see you Sunday.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
"Wow! Brazil is big." —George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005
"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." —George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005
"The relations with, uhh — Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh — because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know — European values, they're universal values. And those values — uhh — being universal, ought to be applied everywhere." —George W. Bush, at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
Man, this man is funny. Stupid, but funny. All I gots to say is God Bless America.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
This of course is because today (4 days from the time I almost purchased a G4) the new Apple MacBook Pro was released, and it is 4 times faster than the computer I nearly purchased. Man am I a lucky duck or what?!
By the way, this picture was taken from a web site that sells all kinds of duck costumes, man I love google.
Anyway, this blog is not funny in any way shape or form, but I could not keep this news bottled up, so I had to share it with my public via my blog.
Peace, Love, and MacBook Pros to all.
Monday, January 09, 2006
In the words of Brad Gluckman aka B-Rad of Malubu's Most Wanted:
I got sumtin' to say, and I need the world to hear it. I'm a lyricologist. I can rap about anything. Shrink, shrink. Blinkity-blink. Tried to make me think. Wanna go to my sink. And vomit. Clean it up wit' Comet. Earth is my planet. See? I'm the shiznit.
Traffic, traffic lookin' fo my chapstick, feelin' kinda car sick, there's a Ford Maverick.
That one is my particular favorite.
Dane came across the sweet picture I have featured today while he was looking for images of dollar signs. Sweet huh! He sent it over and it inspired my blog, plus I had to share it with the world.
Anyway, sorry for the lapse in blogging, plus this is my shortest entry to date, but time is money! And the dude in that picture should know.
Peace my crackas.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
In reply to Jenny's amazing blog I couldn't help myself and I had to take all the same quizzes so we could do a comparative study. After going through all 15 (Jenny that is out of control) I too have decided that these quizzes are CRAP!
Quiz 1: Which Saved by the Bell character are you?
If you recall Jenny was Lisa Turtle. I too have reeived that answer. Apparently i love gossip, buys and shopping and demand being treated like the princess I think I am. (not gonna lie, all of that is a little true) "All girls are princesses!"
Quiz 2: Which Seinfeld character are you?
Kristi: Jerry! I am the STAR of the show! I am a stand-up comedian who spends his life dwelling on the excrutiating minutae of everday life. You live in apartment 5A at 129 W. 81st St. in New York City and you have a knack for finding very strange friends.
**I have a feeling I received this answer because my answer to the question:
Q: How long would you last in a contest, that measured how long you could go without ... gratifying yourself?
A: You could outlast anyone out of sure will and spite.
Quiz 3: Which Simpsons Character are you? This is where it goes severely down hill.
Jenny was Abe Simpson, I believe I have surpassed her in crappyness. I am Edna Krabappel. While she has a sweet last name that rivals, McGooglebie, I gotta say, crap answer!
Quiz 4: Which 24 Character are you?
Jenny: Kim suck Bauer
Kristi: Jack Bauer! H yes! (that's gotta be wrong)
Quiz 5: Which Lost character are you?
Kristi: Jack! Again, H yes!
You are Jack. Self-appointed hero and doctor extraordinaire, it's your job to save everyone. You have little time for fun and games, but you do like a good stiff drink every now and then. You prefer your stitches black and have been known to make gross pasta comparisons. And if anyone needs CPR or a tracheotomy, you're the correct person to go to. While I could do the CPR or the trach, not so sure about the whole hero part or saving everyone. BUT, a girl can dream.
Quiz 6: Which 90210 character are you?
Kristi: Aundrea....crap. She got knocked up...plus she was like 30 playing a 18 year old. This does not look good.
Quiz 7: Which OC character are you?
Jenny: Jimmy Cooper (that's hilarious)
Kristi: Anna Stern....crap. She's not even on the show anymore! Although she did get to make out with Seth, so props to her.
Quiz 8: Which Boy Meets World character are you?
Jenny: Mrs. Matthews
Kristi: Cory. At this point I'm starting to think that either A. I'm a compulsive quiz question lier B. I rig the answers or C. I am obsessed with myself and must be the center of attention. The quiz said everything revolves areound what you do. You know what it takes to live a life of goodness but are sometimes tripped up by your friends and your own misunderstanding. You get into trouble but you know that good will come out of it. You are probably very smart but a little lazy (so true). You have a heart of gold, but you let your feelings get the best of you sometimes. Your best friend is Shawn. You do everything you can to make sure that your there for them, just as you probably are for your best friend. A nice little summery I must say.
Quiz 9: Which cereal are you?
Jenny: Honey Smacks
Kristi: Total....can't get much crappier than that
Quiz 10: Which rapper are you?
"You are a pimp/pimpette in every sense of the word, not very hardcore but you have mad skills and a ton of talent." Mad skills, likin' that.
Quiz 11: Which Disney mobster are you?
Kristi: Crooked Sheriff Woody....not good. Apparently I used to be an honest cop, but I am now on the mob's payroll (which means Mr. Potato Head was right, I am a back-stabbing murder).
Quiz 12: Which fast food chain are you?
Jenny: Taco Bell
Kristi: also Taco Bell, apparently Taco Bell is an independent thinker who doesn't worry about what other people think. Who knew Taco Bell was so independent.
Quiz 13: Which old school basketball player are you?
Kristi: MJ, seriously that quiz was way too predictable.
Quiz 14: Which Pride and Prejudice character are you:
Kristi: Kitty Bennet. You are loud and somewhat scandalous, though not as much as your sister Lydia. You like men (a lot) but know where to draw the line. Unfortunately, because of your sister's actions, you are constantly screwed over and looked down upon. Poor, poor Kitty. Stupid Lydia.
Quiz 15: Which Laguna Be: ach character are you?
Kristi: Christina-you're pure and talented, but often give the impression of being two-faced. Sad.
Ok, that is a ridiculously long entey so I'm cutting myself off.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
In honor of the new movie I purchased last night I would like to introduce you all to a little character named Owen Wilson....Jenny, I believe you're familiar.
Let me set this up just in case none of you saw Wedding Crashers (which I'm sure is all of you...since it received a "R" rating). Pretty sure you can figure out the premise of the movie from the title, but basically they crash weddings and whoo women and the families of the weddings they're crashing with their personalities. So anyway they have to make up jobs and names while they're there and Jeremy (Vince Vaughn) wants to mix it up and this is what John (Owen Wilson) has to say:
John Beckwith: I'd like to be cowboys from Texas or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
One more then I'm done. Love this quote, especially the "ass-out hug" part. Enjoy.
Janice (Vince Vaughn's secretary): I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn): [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
Man is that a great quote. Ok, I'm done now. Can't wait for you guys to come back! See you soon.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Ms. Westberg: H yes! I'll be Mrs. MacFadyen anyday.
Because it's the first day of 2006 I thought I would take some time to reflect on a few amusing things that have happened in the last year. Here it goes:
1. When Jack Bauer went rogue.
2. When Annalise and I were eating pizza on our front porch in London and this lady went postal on us and sent our dinner flying in the air.
3. When Jenny and Michon revealed the true name of “Girl Jeans”
4. When I found out that his real name is Seve McGooglebie
5. When Kristin called me in London, I loved that day.
6. The “Spiderman” episode of the OC
7. Jenny’s soccer themed birthday party…..was that 2005? Not sure.
8. When we all became obsessed with Lost.
9. Ashley’s wedding
10. When Michon and I provided warm up music for your soccer games…..amazing picks Michon.
11. When Annalise told the guy at Pizza Hut her name was Pepperoni. (is it just me, or do lots of things go wrong when Annalise and I eat pizza)
12. When I got my job in Provo and got to move back up near all you cool cats.
13. When Ashley and I actually graduated. (props to Ash for doing it on time)
14. When I fell down the stairs on Tower Bridge.
15. When Jackie called me to make plans to see a movie a month in advance, man that girl’s funny.
16. When Kristin and I opened up the Brotha / Cracka sweatshop.
17. When Bridget and I took sewing together and pretty much messed up everything we made.
18. When Adam played host to Katy and I and I spilled his precious French vanilla hot cocoa on myself and Katy.
19. When Andy dressed up as Jenny for Halloween.
20. When I discovered the art of blogging and started the revolution.
So there's a little recap of some amusing things from this year. Most of those are pretty recent, which proves that my memory is crap, but fun none the less.