Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Mixed Bizness

Have you ever thought that you didn't like something and actually convinced yourself not to like it only to be proved wrong?

Case in point: I once said that I did not like Beck (I actually recall using the word hate at one point).....so far today I have listened to three Beck albums (it's only 10:23am).

How and why did I convince myself to believe this? I am very thrown by this revelation. Should I start trying other things I am convinced I don't like?

Here are some other things I am convinced I do not like (which I now feel like I should rethink).

1. Gorillaz...as we all know they are "on notice" and I am almost ashamed to admit that I purchased two of their songs on iTunes last week. Damn you iTunes.

2. American Idol...should this be reconsidered? I enjoy watching the performances but want to have my entrails cut out and burned to keep from having to listen to Paula and her inability to form a solid opinion. And don't get me started on Randy and his stupid "dog pound". Man that was rough, sorry.

Side note: Beck just managed to "rhyme" Old Navy and lady...how did I live without this?

Ok, so those are the only two things I can think of at this moment to reconsider, but I'm sure more will come.

May everyone have a self-revelation today as deep and meaningful as mine.


Monday, February 27, 2006

I wish it was fudge time

Do you ever search for an image on google and get baffled by what comes up? Today I searched for "reformat hard drive". This is what i got.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Dream Log

As most of you heard I recently had a vivid dream involving me, an African tribe,and a scary near death experience followed by a trip through the air in a tiny flying house.

Well I have had another dream, not as interesting as the last one (not sure anything will ever top that one), but it was quite interesting.

I'm in London and I'm walking around the city with three things: my purse (Burberry...of course, it's London), a suitcase, and a laptop.

For some reason I decide I need to go somewhere and cannot take all that crap with me so I leave it on the corner of a busy street (Oxford Street). So I go do whatever it is and when I come back a three quarter miracle has happened. My suitcase and laptop are still there. How this happened....I will never know. BUT my purse with all my credit cards, passport, and the ring my mom gave me for graduation are all gone.

What do I do? I call the police. And lucky for me the man that comes to investigate it a very cute American man. Somehow he figures out where my purse is and we head over to their hotel.

So we knock on the door and this girl lets us in this sweet penthouse hotel and I'm thinking....why does this girl even need my stupid purse and the money from my nearly empty bank account if she is shacked up in this joint, but whatever. So I ask for my stuff back and she says "h-no!".

Well I follow her to the kitchen pleading with her for my stuff and she has used a magnet and put my debit card on their fridge. Why?....no clue. But I took one look at it and grabbed it. She got real mad and I asked her for my graduation ring and she said she had sent it to a jeweler and that it was being melted down and made into something new.

Then I woke up.

Where does this crap come from. I just needed to put that out in the void. So there you go dear void.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Scary Turtle

I realize that this is my second post in one day....which I admit is a very low, bottom of the barrel sort of thing to happen, however here it is.

On my way back to work after lunch I stopped at the gas station formerly known as "The Speedy Turtle" Jenny, Kristin....I believe you're familiar. Anyway, I am beginning to believe this is a shady place for several reasons.

1. There was a scary dude smoking outside.

2. When I walked in a guy in a Hawaiian shirt said hello to me in an uncomfortable manner

3. The people working were talking about being naked

4. The lady telling the naked story was talking to the Hawaiian shirt guy and it turns out he is the owner of the gas station.

Jenny beware.

Ps. How would you feel if a picture of you like this one was featured on MSN.....the second most visited website on the planet?

Tryin' to "Up the Funny"

Well as many of you probably know the iTunes 1 billionth song has been purchased. Before you get to excited let me just tell you that I did not purchase the lucky song. I tried to find the song that gave the winner a new computer, 10 iPods and 100,000 bucks worth of songs, but was not victorious.

I am not one to give up easily, so in reply to their not posting this information that is vital to my survival I have concocted a list of songs, one of which I am sure won the prize.

1. Open Arms -Journey
2. This is How We Do It -Montell Jordan
3. Doctor My Eyes -Jackson Browne
4. Livin' La Vida Loca -Ricky Martin
5. Say You, Say Me -Lionel Richie
6. 1999 -Prince
7. Isn't She Lovely -Stevie Wonder
8. All For Love -Bryon Adams/Rod Stweart/Sting

Until this information is made public I choose to believe one of these was the winner. And I'm really pulling for "All For Love" and "This is How We Do It."

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I am proud to announce that today I received a promotion. I am now Kristi Westberg, Head of Latin American Operations.

This may seem strange considering my inability to speak any Latin American language, or the fact that I have virtually no connection with anything Latin American (other than the one trip to Cancun) however; I am up to the challenge.

So far my only duty has been to open a piece of junk mail addressed to Head of Latin American Operations and I managed to open that and file it away in my "special filing cabinet" aka the trash can quite nicely. So far so good.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

"Two Gay Dogs"....this film was actually made in 1912

Ok, before I even start this blog entry I would like to acknowledge the fact that on February 10th I included this in a post entitled Filliam H. Muffman, "Lastly, I am considering getting a dog who I plan to name "Le Foo" or "Faiasl" what does everyone think of this dog?"......I still love dogs.

As Annalise would say....The following entry and I would like to apologize in advance to all of my readers who happen to be fans of any of the following films (I use the word film loosely). All of the views and comments expressed within this blog are strictly my own and not the opinions of www.blogger.com (although they should be), it's parent company, Google, or it's affiliates.

Khaki, Annalise and I were discussing the movie slump that this nation is in due to Oscar fever already setting in. Subsequently we have all become subject to such crap movies as Date Movie, World's Fastest Indian, Curious George, The Pink Panther and Eight Below.

This led us to a discussion about the need to end the filming of any movies about dogs....namely movies when a dog or several dogs are the main characters. Wonder how Paul Walker felt at the premier of Eight Below when he was listed under a pack of dog "actors" in the credits. Couldn't have felt good.

I was trying to think of some dog movies and the more I thought the more movies I was able to come up with....here are a few of them.

1. Shaggy Dog-like the old b/w version, but Tim Allen, come on

2. All Dogs Go to Heaven...not bad, but also not too good.

3. Old Yeller...never seen it, but seems pretty crappy.

4. Eight Below...enough said.

5. Snow Dogs...another movie about dog sledding....really?

6. Beethoven,…I must admit some choice lines, but still no good.

7. Air Bud...crap!

8. Homeward Bound....how many times are they gonna make this movie?

9. White Fang....more dog sledding.

10. My Dog Skip...never saw it, not gonna.

So to sum up, if you are going to make a movie about dogs there are three options:

1. Lost dogs

2. Dog sledding

3. Dogs of children who don't have friends and will later loose those dogs....good thing they don't make sequels to those ones.


Friday, February 17, 2006

H Yes

The results are in! Paul beat me by 4 jacks, leaving me with the silver medal in Friday Challenge Jacks.

H yes!

I would like to thank Annalise, Katy and Michon for offfering their IM support to me on this momentus day.

Today Is My Independence Afternoon

As many of you know today is the big day.....jacks day. Today we find out if my rigorous training schedule will usher me into victory, or throw me back into the dumpster as usual.

I would like to thank my trainers and supporters for the incredible job they have done.

Mom-thanks for providing the genius idea

Kristin-thanks for cheering me on and giving me toss advice. And most importantly thank you for saving my glowing bouncy ball from the cup incident.

Jenny-thanks for providing training tunes to keep me going when times got rough

Jackie-thanks for challenging me and pushing me to pick up more jacks

Now I would like to offer up a inspirational speech that I will be reciting to myself throughout the day.

"My readership, today, my fellow Friday Challengers will know humiliation. This afternoon they will know ridicule. This afternoon is the afternoon I fight back. This afternoon is my independence afternoon."

If anyone can tell me where that speech was derived from I will buy you and orange roll from PB...Annalise, you better get this.

Here's to the glowing bouncy ball and the jacks!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

My Pimp does not require speak'n ta large audiences...aka tha entire United States of America fo' sheezy.

I don't usually like to spout anything "political" on my blog, but I can not resist today. As many of you know I purchased a Bushism calendar at beginning of the year. I have to say ever since this purchase was finalized my opinion of old Bushy has been on a steady downward spiral.

How can one person say so many stupid things that there is a calendar with 365 days worth of stupidity? I know what some of you are thinking.....if someone documented every stupid thing I said there would be enough calendars to put out a fall line and give the world a choice between stupid, really stupid and total idiot. BUT come on!

Here is the difference, I have not perused a career where I am in the public spotlight. My "career" does not require speaking to large audiences...aka the entire United States of America. Everyone has stupid things fly out of their mouth, but the difference between Shrub and everyone else is we don't have a mic and fifty TV cameras pointed our way.

Here is today's Bushism.....

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."
--In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate; Reynoldsburg, Ohio; October 4, 2000

Enough said.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Twisted Logic

So I have a new re-found love for Chris Martin. I'll admit that up until his newest record I was a fair weather fan that only liked select songs. But, today I was doing a bit of web based research and found out that they have added tour dates to their X&Y tour, however they will not be gracing their amazing musical talents in this crap state.

The closest place they will be is Denver....this Sunday. I am seriously considering buying a ticket and driving down. Any takers? I will go alone if I have to.

I read Steve's blog today and in the first paragraph he quoted Paul....Simon. This got me wondering what quotes were online from Chris. Here's what I found that interested me:

"Einstein never wore socks. Geniuses don't wear socks... Do I? All the time."

"Eminem is amazing ... brilliant. I knew him when he was first starting out. He used to say to me, 'D'ya think I'll make it, Chris?' I used to say, 'Yeah, you'll make it, Em.' But he was always forgetting his name, he'd always have to remind himself by asking, 'My name is...?' 'My name is....?' The poor fella."

"I'd love to be a surfer, but I'm just rubbish. If I wasn't such a brilliant frontman of a brilliant band, I'd probably do this."

"If you came to see Cher, that was last night but weÂ’ll be doing her hits later." (during a live gig)

"Like if George W. Bush and China put on some Coldplay and went, 'Let's be friends.' That would be nice."

"No matter how big we become, we can never capture the Celine Dion fans. And no matter how good we get, we'll never be as beautiful and pretty as Westlife. So those are two markets we'll never get. Or wait, hold on a moment. To be honest...sometimes, when I look around in our wardrobe, I think "yes we do actually look as good as Westlife."

"We came in by helicopter just five minutes ago. No, Will and I turned up in a Ford Escort and they wouldn't let us in the car park! We couldn't park next to Posh's limo....We've got nothing! Will came in by bicycle and Guy's on a donkey. He's still in London, dammit!"

"We went to Ireland and Bono invited Will and Guy over for lunch. He said, 'Just jump in a taxi and say 'Bono's House,'' and it worked! So we might send him [a Christmas card] : 'Bono, Ireland'." (NME)
-I'm trying that!

Is it just me or do you love him even more now? If you were hoping for a kick-a pee your pants and fall on the floor blog entry from me today I'm sorry....but if you visit Jenny's you will get exactly that.

Kings to you J-Wall.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Annalise speaking of Michael Jordan...."Is he still alive?"

I started my work day off as usual this morning. I like to start the day by listening to my favorite 45 seconds of the day (The Onion Podcast) followed by the CNN podcast.

Today CNN had a story about a poll they took through Amazon.com and IMDB asking which celebrity men and women would be most likely to send a valentine to. Apparently most women would send a Valentine to Johnny Depp and men would drop one in the mail to Scarlett Johansson. Does this surprise anyone else? I admit Johnny would be on my V-Day list, but numero uno? I also had no idea guys were so attracted to Miss Scarlett....really? In honor of this observation I would like to present to you, my readership, a list of people I would give Valentines to....if I actually took the time to do so.

1. Jack Bauer...obviously

2. Kiefer Sutherland...in case Jack misplaces his

3. The Shat...because he deserves the best

4. Johnny Depp...because he has only seen my wrist and he deserves more than that.

5. The Edge...because anyone who can play a guitar that well and be named after the boarder between two things should get a valentine from me

6. Stephen Colbert...because he never ceases to amaze

7. Josh Duhamel...because I want to win a date with him too

8. Bradley Cooper...because Alias wasn't the same without him, everyone needs a Will.

9. Jeremy Piven...because I want him to be part of my entorage

10. Owen Wilson...because I would be a cowgirl from Arizona with him any day.

Can't resist sharing today's Bushism:
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

Bush and Cheney were made for eachother, that's all I have to say.

Happy Valentines Day!

Monday, February 13, 2006

You bring your baby, I'll bring my dog and we'll meet at PetsMart.

Well my dear friend Jess posted an excellent entry on her blog recently entitled "A Cure for that Awkward Silence" suggesting a list of questions on how to break the dreaded awkward social silences. In reply would like to answer her questions.

Have you ever swallowed a goldfish?
No, gold fish are for little ponds in Asian inspired backyards, not Kristi's stomach.

If you won 1 million dollars tomorrow, what would you do?
First of all if I won a million today I would invest in something (mostly because that's what people say....although I would probably "invest" in shoes or something), but TOMORROW I would have to pick up J and K and head to PB (gotta keep it real), then grab Annalise and see what Budapest is all about, go on a little shopping spree, swing by JK's house for a little pre-read of her latest HP chapter, and finish off the day by sponsoring a comeback tour of Kris Kross.

Which is your favorite Spice Girl?
Easy! Posh, married to Becks how can I not love/envy her

What is your blood type?
A-....i think

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Ben Gates, National Treasure Protector (or a conservator, whatever)

Have you ever seen a dead body?
Yes...my uncle in a coffin when I was in 3rd grade, it was scary

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Ryan Sutherland, the Edge II, or Filliam H. Muffman

What is a question you would never want me to ask?
Any math problem would pretty much bring me to tears. I HATE MATH!

If you had to lose a limb, which would you choose?
Does my smallest toe count as a limb?

Are you normal?
Define normal....probably not.

Does silence make you uncomfortable?
Sometimes, when someone is obviously mad at me and I can actually see the wheels of pain spinning in their head, and all I can do is sit there watching in silence. That's no fun.

If, for 1 week, you could eat only cheddar cheese or spinach, which would it be?
I'm going to go the Wallace and Gromit route and say cheese.

What color is your magic wand?
Eleven inches, holly, and phoenix feather, supple...aka Harry Potter's wand.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Filliam H. Muffman

Let me begin by saying that this is a blog entry of ramblings....very different from my usual entries.

First, I Love You Stephen Colbert! This blog entry is simple in purpose. Watch last night's Repor. At one point Jackie and I were lying on my couches in tears, rewinding the same part over and over again, laughing so loud that I'm sure Katy and Clay thought we were insane.

Colbert I love you, especially when you break your focus because you crack yourself up.

Keep up the good work.

Moving on.

I would like to inform everyone that I made a crucial cd purchase last night. I am now the proud owner of THE ESSENTIAL NEIL DIAMOND. I can now enjoy songs such as:
Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon
Sweet Caroline
I Got the Feelin' (Oh, No No)
Love on the Rocks
Forever in Blue Jeans
Cherry, Cherry
38 songs of musical splendor......today is going to be a good day!

Third, something very strange happened the night before last. Went to bed with my shirt on right side out. Woke up and it was inside out. How did that happen? I am considering this one of life's mysteries.

Lastly, I am considering getting a dog who I plan to name "Le Foo" or "Faiasl" what does everyone think of this dog?

Thursday, February 09, 2006


This is what I would look like right now if I were a little Asian girl with a drink who was not at work.

On the verge of death due to boredom...clearly.

Sorry this post sucks.


Can Touch This

Dane showed me this today and I decided to share it with you, my readership.


Let me tell you right now that the video is slow loading and a little long, but don't let that deter you from viewing. Once it's finished you will be asking three questions....

1. Is that real?
2. How did they do that?
3. When can I get it?


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

And the blame continues................

Annalise has inspired many a blog entry and I cannot resist making lists of any kind as you all know. In reply to her lists of five I have decided to come up with my own lists. A list of lists if you will.....

Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together:
1. Little Richard
2. Stephen Colbert
3. The Shat
4. Pat Robertson
5. Satan

Five bands I want to see live:
1. U2--can never see them enough
2. Coldplay
3. Wham!--it could happen
4. Black Eyed Peas
5. Neil Diamond

Five of my favorite words:
1. Underpants
2. Truthiness
3. Sucka
4. Tomfoolery
5. Cockeyed

Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
1. Good toilet paper...all those opposed to chaffing say aye.
2. Shoes
3. A flight with no layover
4. The regular movie theatre, the dollar theatre is now officially dead to me
5. Foundation-everything else can be from the Piggly Wiggly for all I care, but your foundations gotta look right.

Five rules of thumb
1. Personalized liscense should not be considered a badge of honor or a special privlegde, the DMV should mail them out with t-shirts that say "Vain prick" or "loser of every spelling bee known to man."
2. Watching the movie Rent does not mean you are an honorary member of the origional cast. (that' for you Khaki)
3. Any movie with the Shat should be considered cinematography gold and mass mailed to the public for free.
4. Always remember to wear slip resistant shoes when venturing out on the London streets, slip and fall down the stairs at Tower Bridge once shame on me, slip twice....you need new shoes.
5. Cell phone ringers should be carefully chosen to personify the owner of the phone, where would I be without "Goodies-Ciara", the Alias theme song, Sex and the City, Snoop, Gold Digger or my personal favorite..."Kristi, Kristi, Kristi...oh Kristi..pickup the pho-oh-oh-ohne.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

"How can someone so beautiful be so sad?"

I'm pretty sure this picture says more than I could ever say, but I'll go on anyway.

Bananalise and I were discussing how funny we think dooce.com is and how we wish our blogs could be as funny as hers. How is it that nothing entertaining happens to me? Dooce has a hilarious story to tell day in and day out. I need to meet "Billy" from Melrose Place, or be so tipsy when checking in for a flight that I can't even operate the self check-in.

Today I am taking a stand....either funny things need to start happening to me or I'm going to start pulling a James Frey.

Example: Yesterday I bought some running shoes.

"Freyed" up version: Last night I visited the Mecca that is Nordstrom in order to purchase a new pair of running shoes. 17 pairs and $500 later I was the proud owner of a new pair of gold plated, self cleaning, anti-blister miracle shoes that will not only allow me to go running but actually do the running for me.

Good thing I have new running shoes because I can see Oprah barreling her way through my office so she can cart me to her show and deliver a kick-a interview exposing my blatant disregard of truthiness.

Monday, February 06, 2006

5 movies, holdem', and a lot of junk

Started the weekend off with a little Rent. Jackie and I counted atleast 20 people leaving the theatre. I have decided there are a lot of prudes in Provo.

Watched a little of this to get the day going on Saturday.

Went here. Ate some stuff. Sat on Jenny's bed forever. Showered.

Ate some of this.

Watched this.

Told Jenny no more movies, she said she was putting in music and it was this.

Played a little of this.

Snacked on these.

Went here.

Fell asleep watching this.

That pretty much sums up my weekend.
Man, when you group all that together with pictures I really look like a worthless slob.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Karma Karma Sound the Alarma

First of all let me just highlight my amazing photoshop ability as displayed above, now on to the blogging.

Every Friday at my work we play a game around 3:00. The person that looses gets the privlege of taking out everyone's trash. Needless to say I am not so good at being challenged. I started working here on October 17th-ish. Which means I have been working here 16 weeks. Now keep in mind that two of those weeks I did not work on a Friday because it was Christmas time and one other Friday we did not have a challenge. This brings the total number of challenges I have participated in to 13. Now I'm sure you are wondering how many times I have taken out the trash.

To the best of my knowledge I have taken the trash out 7 times! Count them! S-E-V-E-N! That is over half of the weeks I have worked here.

Another question you might have is what happens to the winner?
They receive the "Victorious Man" aka the cheapest trophy at the trophy shop. It's a man in a speedo doing what I like to call the "dismount" for all of those familiar with gymnastic jargon. Or, if you are not, the American Idol dude at the end of the intro song.

How many times has victorious man graced his presence at my desk? ONCE! One lousy time. And the only reason I won that was because due to my losing the previous week I got to pick the challenge and chose London Trivia. So it was pretty much rigged in my favor.

All of this has brought me to the conclusion that I am on the fast track to being a garbage man, which is ironic and karmatic because my garbage man is on notice. Proof that what goes around comes around.

Ok, I'm done. Peace

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Bub and Bob

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to a little game called Bubble Bobble. I had forgotten about this game until last night. According to various credible internet sources, "Bubble Bobble was a bloody fine arcade game released by Taito in 1986. The idea of the game is to guide a couple of dinosaurs, Bub and Bob through 100 levels to rescue their girlfriends."

Yes, that is 100 levels. I am proud to say that in middle school Neesha Nelson and I conquered all 100 levels in order to reunite Bub and Bob with their girlfriends. And in the end what did we receive? A scrolling view of all the "cast" members of the game. Needless to say it was amazing. Here's to all the kids who played Bubble Bobble and the ones that wish they had.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I Heart London

I'm having one of those days when I really miss London. It's so weird how that happens to me sometimes. I don't even know what triggers it. Needless to say I am listening to Virgin Radio UK, looking at pictures of England and wishing my real name was Dame Kristi Westberg.

To cheer me up I have decided to make a list of things I miss:

1. The Underground-Love the name, love the escalators, love the crazy people you see, love the sound of the Jubilee line trains. (Annalise I know you can hear it)

2. Parks in the middle of a huge city-Love that. Renting a chair for one pound so you can sit and tan while reading Harry Potter, priceless.

3. Robbie Williams-could he be any more hot?....don't think so. His music is on permanent repeat in the UK, here no love. I love you Robbie.

4. Ridiculously small flats and even smaller bathrooms. Once things get that small it's just funny. I miss my shoe box sink.

5. All of the weird smells. In one city block you can smell rotting fish, a well dressed British man's cologne, a bin of trash, and bakery filled with trifel and cake.

Ok, I'll stop because I could go on forever. Sorry to all of you for such a depressing and disappointing blog, but I had to let that out and put it in the book.

Man it's like I was destined to write about that because American Quilting JUST called and my British flag quilt is finished!


ps Dane sent me this today....very fitting