Scary Turtle

I realize that this is my second post in one day....which I admit is a very low, bottom of the barrel sort of thing to happen, however here it is.

On my way back to work after lunch I stopped at the gas station formerly known as "The Speedy Turtle" Jenny, Kristin....I believe you're familiar. Anyway, I am beginning to believe this is a shady place for several reasons.

1. There was a scary dude smoking outside.

2. When I walked in a guy in a Hawaiian shirt said hello to me in an uncomfortable manner

3. The people working were talking about being naked

4. The lady telling the naked story was talking to the Hawaiian shirt guy and it turns out he is the owner of the gas station.

Jenny beware.

Ps. How would you feel if a picture of you like this one was featured on MSN.....the second most visited website on the planet?

Tryin' to "Up the Funny"

Well as many of you probably know the iTunes 1 billionth song has been purchased. Before you get to excited let me just tell you that I did not purchase the lucky song. I tried to find the song that gave the winner a new computer, 10 iPods and 100,000 bucks worth of songs, but was not victorious.

I am not one to give up easily, so in reply to their not posting this information that is vital to my survival I have concocted a list of songs, one of which I am sure won the prize.

1. Open Arms -Journey
2. This is How We Do It -Montell Jordan
3. Doctor My Eyes -Jackson Browne
4. Livin' La Vida Loca -Ricky Martin
5. Say You, Say Me -Lionel Richie
6. 1999 -Prince
7. Isn't She Lovely -Stevie Wonder
8. All For Love -Bryon Adams/Rod Stweart/Sting

Until this information is made public I choose to believe one of these was the winner. And I'm really pulling for "All For Love" and "This is How We Do It."

Promotion!

I am proud to announce that today I received a promotion. I am now Kristi Westberg, Head of Latin American Operations.

This may seem strange considering my inability to speak any Latin American language, or the fact that I have virtually no connection with anything Latin American (other than the one trip to Cancun) however; I am up to the challenge.

So far my only duty has been to open a piece of junk mail addressed to Head of Latin American Operations and I managed to open that and file it away in my "special filing cabinet" aka the trash can quite nicely. So far so good.

"Two Gay Dogs"....this film was actually made in 1912

Ok, before I even start this blog entry I would like to acknowledge the fact that on February 10th I included this in a post entitled Filliam H. Muffman, "Lastly, I am considering getting a dog who I plan to name "Le Foo" or "Faiasl" what does everyone think of this dog?"......I still love dogs.

As Annalise would say....The following entry and I would like to apologize in advance to all of my readers who happen to be fans of any of the following films (I use the word film loosely). All of the views and comments expressed within this blog are strictly my own and not the opinions of www.blogger.com (although they should be), it's parent company, Google, or it's affiliates.

Khaki, Annalise and I were discussing the movie slump that this nation is in due to Oscar fever already setting in. Subsequently we have all become subject to such crap movies as Date Movie, World's Fastest Indian, Curious George, The Pink Panther and Eight Below.

This led us to a discussion about the need to end the filming of any movies about dogs....namely movies when a dog or several dogs are the main characters. Wonder how Paul Walker felt at the premier of Eight Below when he was listed under a pack of dog "actors" in the credits. Couldn't have felt good.

I was trying to think of some dog movies and the more I thought the more movies I was able to come up with....here are a few of them.

1. Shaggy Dog-like the old b/w version, but Tim Allen, come on

2. All Dogs Go to Heaven...not bad, but also not too good.

3. Old Yeller...never seen it, but seems pretty crappy.

4. Eight Below...enough said.

5. Snow Dogs...another movie about dog sledding....really?

6. Beethoven,…I must admit some choice lines, but still no good.

7. Air Bud...crap!

8. Homeward Bound....how many times are they gonna make this movie?

9. White Fang....more dog sledding.

10. My Dog Skip...never saw it, not gonna.

So to sum up, if you are going to make a movie about dogs there are three options:

1. Lost dogs

2. Dog sledding

3. Dogs of children who don't have friends and will later loose those dogs....good thing they don't make sequels to those ones.

Peace.

H Yes

The results are in! Paul beat me by 4 jacks, leaving me with the silver medal in Friday Challenge Jacks.

H yes!

I would like to thank Annalise, Katy and Michon for offfering their IM support to me on this momentus day.

Today Is My Independence Afternoon

As many of you know today is the big day.....jacks day. Today we find out if my rigorous training schedule will usher me into victory, or throw me back into the dumpster as usual.

I would like to thank my trainers and supporters for the incredible job they have done.

Mom-thanks for providing the genius idea

Kristin-thanks for cheering me on and giving me toss advice. And most importantly thank you for saving my glowing bouncy ball from the cup incident.

Jenny-thanks for providing training tunes to keep me going when times got rough

Jackie-thanks for challenging me and pushing me to pick up more jacks

Now I would like to offer up a inspirational speech that I will be reciting to myself throughout the day.

"My readership, today, my fellow Friday Challengers will know humiliation. This afternoon they will know ridicule. This afternoon is the afternoon I fight back. This afternoon is my independence afternoon."

If anyone can tell me where that speech was derived from I will buy you and orange roll from PB...Annalise, you better get this.

Here's to the glowing bouncy ball and the jacks!

My Pimp does not require speak'n ta large audiences...aka tha entire United States of America fo' sheezy.

I don't usually like to spout anything "political" on my blog, but I can not resist today. As many of you know I purchased a Bushism calendar at beginning of the year. I have to say ever since this purchase was finalized my opinion of old Bushy has been on a steady downward spiral.

How can one person say so many stupid things that there is a calendar with 365 days worth of stupidity? I know what some of you are thinking.....if someone documented every stupid thing I said there would be enough calendars to put out a fall line and give the world a choice between stupid, really stupid and total idiot. BUT come on!

Here is the difference, I have not perused a career where I am in the public spotlight. My "career" does not require speaking to large audiences...aka the entire United States of America. Everyone has stupid things fly out of their mouth, but the difference between Shrub and everyone else is we don't have a mic and fifty TV cameras pointed our way.

Here is today's Bushism.....

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."
--In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate; Reynoldsburg, Ohio; October 4, 2000

Enough said.

Twisted Logic

So I have a new re-found love for Chris Martin. I'll admit that up until his newest record I was a fair weather fan that only liked select songs. But, today I was doing a bit of web based research and found out that they have added tour dates to their X&Y tour, however they will not be gracing their amazing musical talents in this crap state.

The closest place they will be is Denver....this Sunday. I am seriously considering buying a ticket and driving down. Any takers? I will go alone if I have to.

I read Steve's blog today and in the first paragraph he quoted Paul....Simon. This got me wondering what quotes were online from Chris. Here's what I found that interested me:

"Einstein never wore socks. Geniuses don't wear socks... Do I? All the time."

"Eminem is amazing ... brilliant. I knew him when he was first starting out. He used to say to me, 'D'ya think I'll make it, Chris?' I used to say, 'Yeah, you'll make it, Em.' But he was always forgetting his name, he'd always have to remind himself by asking, 'My name is...?' 'My name is....?' The poor fella."

"I'd love to be a surfer, but I'm just rubbish. If I wasn't such a brilliant frontman of a brilliant band, I'd probably do this."

"If you came to see Cher, that was last night but weÂ’ll be doing her hits later." (during a live gig)

"Like if George W. Bush and China put on some Coldplay and went, 'Let's be friends.' That would be nice."

"No matter how big we become, we can never capture the Celine Dion fans. And no matter how good we get, we'll never be as beautiful and pretty as Westlife. So those are two markets we'll never get. Or wait, hold on a moment. To be honest...sometimes, when I look around in our wardrobe, I think "yes we do actually look as good as Westlife."

"We came in by helicopter just five minutes ago. No, Will and I turned up in a Ford Escort and they wouldn't let us in the car park! We couldn't park next to Posh's limo....We've got nothing! Will came in by bicycle and Guy's on a donkey. He's still in London, dammit!"

"We went to Ireland and Bono invited Will and Guy over for lunch. He said, 'Just jump in a taxi and say 'Bono's House,'' and it worked! So we might send him [a Christmas card] : 'Bono, Ireland'." (NME)
-I'm trying that!

Is it just me or do you love him even more now? If you were hoping for a kick-a pee your pants and fall on the floor blog entry from me today I'm sorry....but if you visit Jenny's you will get exactly that.

Kings to you J-Wall.

Annalise speaking of Michael Jordan...."Is he still alive?"

I started my work day off as usual this morning. I like to start the day by listening to my favorite 45 seconds of the day (The Onion Podcast) followed by the CNN podcast.

Today CNN had a story about a poll they took through Amazon.com and IMDB asking which celebrity men and women would be most likely to send a valentine to. Apparently most women would send a Valentine to Johnny Depp and men would drop one in the mail to Scarlett Johansson. Does this surprise anyone else? I admit Johnny would be on my V-Day list, but numero uno? I also had no idea guys were so attracted to Miss Scarlett....really? In honor of this observation I would like to present to you, my readership, a list of people I would give Valentines to....if I actually took the time to do so.

1. Jack Bauer...obviously

2. Kiefer Sutherland...in case Jack misplaces his

3. The Shat...because he deserves the best

4. Johnny Depp...because he has only seen my wrist and he deserves more than that.

5. The Edge...because anyone who can play a guitar that well and be named after the boarder between two things should get a valentine from me

6. Stephen Colbert...because he never ceases to amaze

7. Josh Duhamel...because I want to win a date with him too

8. Bradley Cooper...because Alias wasn't the same without him, everyone needs a Will.

9. Jeremy Piven...because I want him to be part of my entorage

10. Owen Wilson...because I would be a cowgirl from Arizona with him any day.

Can't resist sharing today's Bushism:
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

Bush and Cheney were made for eachother, that's all I have to say.

Happy Valentines Day!

You bring your baby, I'll bring my dog and we'll meet at PetsMart.

Well my dear friend Jess posted an excellent entry on her blog recently entitled "A Cure for that Awkward Silence" suggesting a list of questions on how to break the dreaded awkward social silences. In reply would like to answer her questions.

Have you ever swallowed a goldfish?
No, gold fish are for little ponds in Asian inspired backyards, not Kristi's stomach.

If you won 1 million dollars tomorrow, what would you do?
First of all if I won a million today I would invest in something (mostly because that's what people say....although I would probably "invest" in shoes or something), but TOMORROW I would have to pick up J and K and head to PB (gotta keep it real), then grab Annalise and see what Budapest is all about, go on a little shopping spree, swing by JK's house for a little pre-read of her latest HP chapter, and finish off the day by sponsoring a comeback tour of Kris Kross.

Which is your favorite Spice Girl?
Easy! Posh, married to Becks how can I not love/envy her

What is your blood type?
A-....i think

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Ben Gates, National Treasure Protector (or a conservator, whatever)

Have you ever seen a dead body?
Yes...my uncle in a coffin when I was in 3rd grade, it was scary

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Ryan Sutherland, the Edge II, or Filliam H. Muffman

What is a question you would never want me to ask?
Any math problem would pretty much bring me to tears. I HATE MATH!

If you had to lose a limb, which would you choose?
Does my smallest toe count as a limb?

Are you normal?
Define normal....probably not.

Does silence make you uncomfortable?
Sometimes, when someone is obviously mad at me and I can actually see the wheels of pain spinning in their head, and all I can do is sit there watching in silence. That's no fun.

If, for 1 week, you could eat only cheddar cheese or spinach, which would it be?
I'm going to go the Wallace and Gromit route and say cheese.

What color is your magic wand?
Eleven inches, holly, and phoenix feather, supple...aka Harry Potter's wand.

Filliam H. Muffman

Let me begin by saying that this is a blog entry of ramblings....very different from my usual entries.

First, I Love You Stephen Colbert! This blog entry is simple in purpose. Watch last night's Repor. At one point Jackie and I were lying on my couches in tears, rewinding the same part over and over again, laughing so loud that I'm sure Katy and Clay thought we were insane.

Colbert I love you, especially when you break your focus because you crack yourself up.

Keep up the good work.

Moving on.

I would like to inform everyone that I made a crucial cd purchase last night. I am now the proud owner of THE ESSENTIAL NEIL DIAMOND. I can now enjoy songs such as:
Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon
Sweet Caroline
I Got the Feelin' (Oh, No No)
America
Love on the Rocks
Forever in Blue Jeans
Cherry, Cherry
38 songs of musical splendor......today is going to be a good day!

Third, something very strange happened the night before last. Went to bed with my shirt on right side out. Woke up and it was inside out. How did that happen? I am considering this one of life's mysteries.


Lastly, I am considering getting a dog who I plan to name "Le Foo" or "Faiasl" what does everyone think of this dog?

Help

This is what I would look like right now if I were a little Asian girl with a drink who was not at work.

On the verge of death due to boredom...clearly.

Sorry this post sucks.

Peace.

Can Touch This

Dane showed me this today and I decided to share it with you, my readership.

http://mrl.nyu.edu/~jhan/ftirtouch/

Let me tell you right now that the video is slow loading and a little long, but don't let that deter you from viewing. Once it's finished you will be asking three questions....

1. Is that real?
2. How did they do that?
3. When can I get it?

Enjoy.

And the blame continues................

Annalise has inspired many a blog entry and I cannot resist making lists of any kind as you all know. In reply to her lists of five I have decided to come up with my own lists. A list of lists if you will.....

Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together:
1. Little Richard
2. Stephen Colbert
3. The Shat
4. Pat Robertson
5. Satan

Five bands I want to see live:
1. U2--can never see them enough
2. Coldplay
3. Wham!--it could happen
4. Black Eyed Peas
5. Neil Diamond

Five of my favorite words:
1. Underpants
2. Truthiness
3. Sucka
4. Tomfoolery
5. Cockeyed

Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
1. Good toilet paper...all those opposed to chaffing say aye.
2. Shoes
3. A flight with no layover
4. The regular movie theatre, the dollar theatre is now officially dead to me
5. Foundation-everything else can be from the Piggly Wiggly for all I care, but your foundations gotta look right.

Five rules of thumb
1. Personalized liscense should not be considered a badge of honor or a special privlegde, the DMV should mail them out with t-shirts that say "Vain prick" or "loser of every spelling bee known to man."
2. Watching the movie Rent does not mean you are an honorary member of the origional cast. (that' for you Khaki)
3. Any movie with the Shat should be considered cinematography gold and mass mailed to the public for free.
4. Always remember to wear slip resistant shoes when venturing out on the London streets, slip and fall down the stairs at Tower Bridge once shame on me, slip twice....you need new shoes.
5. Cell phone ringers should be carefully chosen to personify the owner of the phone, where would I be without "Goodies-Ciara", the Alias theme song, Sex and the City, Snoop, Gold Digger or my personal favorite..."Kristi, Kristi, Kristi...oh Kristi..pickup the pho-oh-oh-ohne.

"How can someone so beautiful be so sad?"

I'm pretty sure this picture says more than I could ever say, but I'll go on anyway.

Bananalise and I were discussing how funny we think dooce.com is and how we wish our blogs could be as funny as hers. How is it that nothing entertaining happens to me? Dooce has a hilarious story to tell day in and day out. I need to meet "Billy" from Melrose Place, or be so tipsy when checking in for a flight that I can't even operate the self check-in.

Today I am taking a stand....either funny things need to start happening to me or I'm going to start pulling a James Frey.

Example: Yesterday I bought some running shoes.

"Freyed" up version: Last night I visited the Mecca that is Nordstrom in order to purchase a new pair of running shoes. 17 pairs and $500 later I was the proud owner of a new pair of gold plated, self cleaning, anti-blister miracle shoes that will not only allow me to go running but actually do the running for me.

Good thing I have new running shoes because I can see Oprah barreling her way through my office so she can cart me to her show and deliver a kick-a interview exposing my blatant disregard of truthiness.

5 movies, holdem', and a lot of junk

Started the weekend off with a little Rent. Jackie and I counted atleast 20 people leaving the theatre. I have decided there are a lot of prudes in Provo.

Watched a little of this to get the day going on Saturday.

Went here. Ate some stuff. Sat on Jenny's bed forever. Showered.

Ate some of this.

Watched this.

Told Jenny no more movies, she said she was putting in music and it was this.

Played a little of this.

Snacked on these.

Went here.

Fell asleep watching this.

That pretty much sums up my weekend.
Man, when you group all that together with pictures I really look like a worthless slob.

Karma Karma Sound the Alarma

First of all let me just highlight my amazing photoshop ability as displayed above, now on to the blogging.

Every Friday at my work we play a game around 3:00. The person that looses gets the privlege of taking out everyone's trash. Needless to say I am not so good at being challenged. I started working here on October 17th-ish. Which means I have been working here 16 weeks. Now keep in mind that two of those weeks I did not work on a Friday because it was Christmas time and one other Friday we did not have a challenge. This brings the total number of challenges I have participated in to 13. Now I'm sure you are wondering how many times I have taken out the trash.

To the best of my knowledge I have taken the trash out 7 times! Count them! S-E-V-E-N! That is over half of the weeks I have worked here.

Another question you might have is what happens to the winner?
They receive the "Victorious Man" aka the cheapest trophy at the trophy shop. It's a man in a speedo doing what I like to call the "dismount" for all of those familiar with gymnastic jargon. Or, if you are not, the American Idol dude at the end of the intro song.

How many times has victorious man graced his presence at my desk? ONCE! One lousy time. And the only reason I won that was because due to my losing the previous week I got to pick the challenge and chose London Trivia. So it was pretty much rigged in my favor.

All of this has brought me to the conclusion that I am on the fast track to being a garbage man, which is ironic and karmatic because my garbage man is on notice. Proof that what goes around comes around.

Ok, I'm done. Peace

Bub and Bob

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to a little game called Bubble Bobble. I had forgotten about this game until last night. According to various credible internet sources, "Bubble Bobble was a bloody fine arcade game released by Taito in 1986. The idea of the game is to guide a couple of dinosaurs, Bub and Bob through 100 levels to rescue their girlfriends."

Yes, that is 100 levels. I am proud to say that in middle school Neesha Nelson and I conquered all 100 levels in order to reunite Bub and Bob with their girlfriends. And in the end what did we receive? A scrolling view of all the "cast" members of the game. Needless to say it was amazing. Here's to all the kids who played Bubble Bobble and the ones that wish they had.

I Heart London

I'm having one of those days when I really miss London. It's so weird how that happens to me sometimes. I don't even know what triggers it. Needless to say I am listening to Virgin Radio UK, looking at pictures of England and wishing my real name was Dame Kristi Westberg.

To cheer me up I have decided to make a list of things I miss:

1. The Underground-Love the name, love the escalators, love the crazy people you see, love the sound of the Jubilee line trains. (Annalise I know you can hear it)

2. Parks in the middle of a huge city-Love that. Renting a chair for one pound so you can sit and tan while reading Harry Potter, priceless.

3. Robbie Williams-could he be any more hot?....don't think so. His music is on permanent repeat in the UK, here no love. I love you Robbie.

4. Ridiculously small flats and even smaller bathrooms. Once things get that small it's just funny. I miss my shoe box sink.

5. All of the weird smells. In one city block you can smell rotting fish, a well dressed British man's cologne, a bin of trash, and bakery filled with trifel and cake.

Ok, I'll stop because I could go on forever. Sorry to all of you for such a depressing and disappointing blog, but I had to let that out and put it in the book.

Man it's like I was destined to write about that because American Quilting JUST called and my British flag quilt is finished!

Cheers!

ps Dane sent me this today....very fitting
http://www.lookatentertainment.com/v/v-690.htm

Roundhouse this.

I realize that to some people this "is not a real blog." And that I need to " get that head off the keyboard and get the nose to the grindstone," but I was reading the Chuck Norris facts and felt that everyone should have the chance to enjoy this one.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

My new goal in life is to be as funny as the dude that wrote that. Here's my first shot.

When Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer met for the first time Chuck gave him the Ryan Atwood 180 and roundhouse kicked him in the face knocking him off his feet onto the ground. Jack looked up at Chuck and said, "Do you trust me?" After which Jack pulled out his CTU standard issue glock, shot Norris in the knee, and said, "I've killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now....sucka."

Man, not even close.

"I love treasure movies"

This is how last night went down:

Jenny: "I love treasure movies, Goonies, Indiana Jones, National Treasure."
Kristi: "What?"

........moments later

Jenny: "I love treasure movies."
Kristi: "What? I'm sorry."

Man, I need to start listening to Jenny or stop watching National Treasure. I so swear. So glad I know where that is from now. Much more meaningful.

In honor of the movie I thought I would highlight a few things I think are "National Treasures."

1. Mario Kart Double Dash....this will be my demise.

2. Diet Coke. If squirrels and puppies are addicted I'm pretty sure I don't have a shot in hell of givin' this stuff up.


3. Jon Voight aka "The Voight"
May I just mention that when I googled him in google images a picture of the Pope came up. Coincidence......I think not. He is defintly one of those men that got less weird looking with age.

4. Neil Diamond. Can't you just hear him bringin' home the last chorus of Sweet Caroline? I know I can. Thanks Neil.


5. Scrabble. And I quote: "Is plode a word?"
"I know you can explode....I know you can implode.....but can you ever just plode?"
Priceless.

Peace, love and 24.

ps. Jenny do you know this woman? If not I think you should run against her for Position #2. It sounds like a prime position to start your quest for world Jenny-nation. Your slogan could be "Ditch the I Vote for Y....suckas." I would be glad to be your campaign manager. Think about it.

How did this happen?

Ok, so I usually don't like to include actual stories from my life in le blog, however I cannot resist when it comes to this one.

First of all I went out last night in search for a bizzle dizzle gizzle for a certain someone. What did I end up with??????? A Game Cube.

How did this happen? I went from Nordstrom to Best Buy where for some reason me and my friend Khaki (trying to keep his or her name under wraps for obvious security reasons) decided we needed to play Mario Kart. Needless to say 30 minutes later we were sitting on my living room floor trash talking and hurling bananas, bombs and huge chompers on chains at each other. It was amazing.

Peace.

does it look like i'm "hitn' that"?

This is me. As you can see I will not be "hitn'" anything today.....unless you count face to keyboard.

These are my blog-fessions

I would like to address and retract several statements posted in my comments regarding my lists.

1. Pumpkin Pie-will remain dead to me until I forget the year I got food poisoning on Thanksgiving. Needless to say......last thing down......first thing back up. Pumpkin Pizzie will never be the same for me again.

2. M*A*S*H-I was under the impression that Annalise was a big supporter of the show, I now see that is only partially correct. Forgive me.

3. Kristin aka "anonymous"-one swift kick in the pants should do. Thanks in advance.

4. J-Wall. I did in deed know you would be the only one who would not go postal for being on the list. It seems as though I may have been incorrect in that assumption. Good blogging. Consider this your official removal. You are no longer "on notice."

As we all know with the removal of one comes the addition of another. I would like to officially put American Idol " on notice". I realize this will outrage many of you my readership, however I am not a huge fan of this show and they keep playing it instead of House. A show I have grown very fond of. Good luck getting off.....gonna need it.

Are You on Notice?

In honor of Stephen Colbert I and my fellow bloggers have decided to create our own "On Notice" and "Dead to Me" lists. But first I would like to take a moment and give a little background on Mr. Colbert. I read up on him today and found two interesting facts about his career.

First off, he and Steve Carell used to host a show called "This Week in God," in which he reported on all things theological with the assistance of the "God Machine." Hilarious.

Second, he, Sedaris and Dinello created Comedy Central's first ever, live-action, narrative series, Strangers with Candy, a twisted take on the classic and typically moralistic after school specials. We gotta find that show. Sounds amazing. Now on to my lists.

The following people, places and things are "ON NOTICE"
1. my garbage man
2. Draco Malfoy
3. Mark Pollei-he needs to call me back
4. Chapstick-i'm addicted and can't live without it now, not good
5. Gorillaz- a. that is not how you spell that
2. how can a digital band give concerts
d. what the h is a digital band?
6. Seran Wrap-that stuff annoys the crap out of me, it doesn't stay put and i can never get that tear strip toothy thing on the box to work
7. Maroon 5-I think we all know it's about time to put out another album-slackers!
8. Prince William-I have yet to see you comment on my blog.
9. The two wrinkles i found under my eyes-I am not that old! Come on!
10. Jenny "no middle name" Willardson-you better blog if you want to get off this list



The following are "dead to me"
1. Beth-obviously
2. Linkin Park, Creed, and Nickelback, they're all the same band as far as i'm concerned-all crap
3. PC's-all of them, even this one I'm typing from right now
4. Un-naturally blue foods-name two foods that occur in nature that are blue....that's right there's only one, lets keep it that way
5. MASH-sorry Annalise and Steve, but I hate that show, especially the opening song-dead
6. Lifetime...the tv network. Enough said.
7. Techno-same thing over and over does not a song make
8. All the Land Before Time sequels (thanks Dane)-how many of those are there now?
9. Pumpkin Pie-yuck!
10. Conoco gas station on Bulldog-a. nasty DC b. ridiculously slow service c. drive thru sucks

For any of you on notice....you know who you are so you better shape up. People who are dead to me.....you've got some work to do to get off that list.

Good luck.

"It's not like I "o-pah-ed" her plate"

This blog is dedicated to Kristin's broken movie plate, for which we are all sad is gone. I would like to take a moment to reflect on the plate, whom I will call "chipper." Let me take this time to provide a dramatic reading in honor of chipper. It is entitled:

"Miss Me, But Let Me Go"

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a plate set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the food I allowed you to share.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the potter's plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds (and baked goods for Kristi). Miss me, but let me go.

Let us all remember chipper and the good deeds he used to perform. Remember the snacks, the salads, sandwiches, egg toast, and stolen bagels he used to gently hold. Remember chipper, but let him go.

Peace be with you in this time of mourning.

Origional.....I Blog Not!

So the picture of Captain Jack Sparrow has nothing to do with this blog entry, but I loved the picture and felt everyone should get the chance to enjoy it.

Today's Bushism is VERY blog-worthy.
"I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging."
--At the dedication of his portrait; Austin, Texas
January 4, 2002

Amazing! Ok first things first. J-wall, so sorry for the "blatant rip-off of your "reasons why luke wilson and i are destined for each other." But I must say I did some research yesterday and decided none of us are that original. Either that or a lot of people are ripping off our stuff. Take for example the 45 hits on Google for "Let's Give 'em Something to Blog About." Man, you think you've come up with something original and google manages to rip that dream to pieces. Or the 969 hits for "Jack Bauer Power Hour." I must admit this was all very disturbing to me. I figure that with this information I can do one of three things.

A. Become dedicated to a little cause I like to call "Operation Coinage" in which I will attempt to coin a phrase or idea that has no hits on google.

2. Give up and continue the delusion that I have original thought and stop googling.

D. Combine these two ideas and keep coming up with what I think are original ideas, but check them before I declare Operation Coinage complete.

I choose 2. Let's face it I'm lazy and it's a little too depressing to realize that I am not as funny as I think I am.

Peace.

You can never have too much Jack Bauer!

I realize that everyone has already written about 24 several times over, this is the third entry for myself alone, but too bad people!

I did a little web based research about the life and times of Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland and thought I would share the dirty details with all of you. I like to entitle this:

TEN REASONS WHY HE AND I ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER.

1. He was born in London, England....I've been to London, England and have actually be referred to as an "anglophile." Enough said.

2. He has a really long name, I like long names.

3. He has a twin sister, I have a sister too! Match made in heaven.....I think so.

4. Stephen Speilberg gave him his "lucky break" my dad Steven gave me a lot of lucky breaks.

5. He was the leader of a villinous gang ov vampires in "The Lost Boys (1987)", I used to watch Buffy (which I was a little ashamed of until now).

6. He named his daughter Sarah Jude after his two friends Sarah Jessica Parker and Jude Law, obviously I now have the name of my first born (boy or girl no matter).

7. Kiefer was one of the Three Muskateers, I love that candy bar.

8. Kiefer is 40, right at the cut off of my dating age limit. (ok, until I found that out is was 35, but 40 would still work)

9. Kiefer starts with a K, so does Kristi.

10. Because we both like cardboard Ellen (if you watched today you will appreciate that one).

Peace out friends.

"Relax, he's really good at this."

This blog is dedicated to Chloe, my new favorite character (obviously not including Jack and Tony because their hottness gives them an edge). Although I warn you now, I have no intention of mentionin her any other time than now.

Well, everyone is off doing fun stuff today to commemorate the life and works of Martin Luther King....I on the other hand am working. Boo! Let me give you the highlights of my day so far.

1. Remembering 24 last night
2. Thinking about 24 again tonight
3. Lunch (aka leaving work for an hour)
4. Kanye on Ellen, so hot! How can a man look so good in a ratty old Les Miserables sweatshirt circa 1992? He never ceases to amaze. (although if you watched he is a little intense...spiritually)
5. When my iTunes shuffled to "Oo de lally" from the Disney animated version of Robin Hood...didn't even remember I had that song.
6. When my clock hit 4pm, becaue that means I only have an hour of work left, and more importantly roughly 3 hours till 24.
7. When i reread my Bushism for the day. "The CIA laid out several scenarios and said life could be lousy, life could be OK, life could be better, and they were just guessing as to what the conditions might be like." Apparently the CIA is very detail oriented when outlining "scenarios"
8. And this is not a highlight, but I would like everyone to take a moment to remember President Palmar, who I like to refer to as "the big bear" because that is what he reminds me of. Thank you.

Peace, love and violence warnings (cross your fingers).

"You're gonna have to trust me."

First things first, Bushism of the day:
"I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they're getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere. And they say, 'Man, you're looking pretty.'"

Now that that's over with I must move on to more pressing issues. I realize that lots of things happened last night and I said I would include them in today's blog, however a much more important task is at hand.

Annalise has informed me that she will be unable to watch 24 this season! Are you kidding me! Do the words "Jack -- Bauer -- Power -- Hour" mean nothing to you? This is why I have decided to make a list of the top ten reasons Annalise should suck it up and watch 24 with us!

10. Jenny has promised to make brew if you will come watch with us on Sunday. (do i really need to keep going)

9. You have invested many seasons in the show and with the exception of when Kim had that whole cougar problem you have never been disappointed....can you really give up now?

8. Let me just say this, "What would Jack Bauer do?" I think you know he would pull himself together, go off drugs cold turkey, pack up his Ford SUV, grab Tony from his hell hole apartment and get crazy. That's what I'm talkin' about.

7. Can you really give up on a show that manages to use the split screen in such an amazing way?

6. The timer! What will you do with out that sound? I know you can hear it in your head right now. Bink-Bink-Bink-Bink

5. How will you know if the growling black smoke has infiltrated LA too, if you don't watch 24? Hey, it could happen.

4. Do you watch any other show that has a warning for violance? Didn't think so, this can be the one.

3. Kiefer's voice. Enough said.

2. Tony, Jack, President Palmer, Sherry's ghost, Chloe.....must I continue

1. And the final reason, because if you're not there I might just have to find Mr. Echo so he can hit you with his "Jesus Stick."

Peace.
Fannalise.......see you Sunday.

Blog Bless America

I made an excellent purchase last night. Jackie and I went to Barnes & Noble and I decided there is one thing that my desk at work needs. And that thing is a day by day calendar dedicated to "Bushisms." What are Bushisms you ask? Basically they found enough copy to fill an entire day by day calendar with stupid things this man has said over the course of his career. I intend to share the best ones with you over the course of the year, but for now here are some of the ones I got to tear off last night to catch up...plus some I found online.

"Wow! Brazil is big." —George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." —George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005

"The relations with, uhh — Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh — because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know — European values, they're universal values. And those values — uhh — being universal, ought to be applied everywhere." —George W. Bush, at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

Man, this man is funny. Stupid, but funny. All I gots to say is God Bless America.

Peace

I am the luckiest girl alive!

In case you were not aware I have been in the market for a new computer. And my computer of choice of course is the Mac Powerbook 17 inch, which by the way is amazing. Well on Friday I went to CompUSA to apply for credit and purchast a new powerbook. LUCKILY!, I was approved and even more LUCKY...they were out of stock.

This of course is because today (4 days from the time I almost purchased a G4) the new Apple MacBook Pro was released, and it is 4 times faster than the computer I nearly purchased. Man am I a lucky duck or what?!

By the way, this picture was taken from a web site that sells all kinds of duck costumes, man I love google.

Anyway, this blog is not funny in any way shape or form, but I could not keep this news bottled up, so I had to share it with my public via my blog.

Peace, Love, and MacBook Pros to all.

Bloggin' bloggin' good for the noggin'

In the words of Brad Gluckman aka B-Rad of Malubu's Most Wanted:

I got sumtin' to say, and I need the world to hear it. I'm a lyricologist. I can rap about anything. Shrink, shrink. Blinkity-blink. Tried to make me think. Wanna go to my sink. And vomit. Clean it up wit' Comet. Earth is my planet. See? I'm the shiznit.

Traffic, traffic lookin' fo my chapstick, feelin' kinda car sick, there's a Ford Maverick.

That one is my particular favorite.

Dane came across the sweet picture I have featured today while he was looking for images of dollar signs. Sweet huh! He sent it over and it inspired my blog, plus I had to share it with the world.

Anyway, sorry for the lapse in blogging, plus this is my shortest entry to date, but time is money! And the dude in that picture should know.

Peace my crackas.

Two Jacks, a crooked puppet, and a knocked up chick

In reply to Jenny's amazing blog I couldn't help myself and I had to take all the same quizzes so we could do a comparative study. After going through all 15 (Jenny that is out of control) I too have decided that these quizzes are CRAP!

Quiz 1: Which Saved by the Bell character are you?
If you recall Jenny was Lisa Turtle. I too have reeived that answer. Apparently i love gossip, buys and shopping and demand being treated like the princess I think I am. (not gonna lie, all of that is a little true) "All girls are princesses!"

Quiz 2: Which Seinfeld character are you?
Jenny: Elaine
Kristi: Jerry! I am the STAR of the show! I am a stand-up comedian who spends his life dwelling on the excrutiating minutae of everday life. You live in apartment 5A at 129 W. 81st St. in New York City and you have a knack for finding very strange friends.
**I have a feeling I received this answer because my answer to the question:
Q: How long would you last in a contest, that measured how long you could go without ... gratifying yourself?
A: You could outlast anyone out of sure will and spite.

Quiz 3: Which Simpsons Character are you? This is where it goes severely down hill.
Jenny was Abe Simpson, I believe I have surpassed her in crappyness. I am Edna Krabappel. While she has a sweet last name that rivals, McGooglebie, I gotta say, crap answer!

Quiz 4: Which 24 Character are you?
Jenny: Kim suck Bauer
Kristi: Jack Bauer! H yes! (that's gotta be wrong)

Quiz 5: Which Lost character are you?
Jenny: Kate
Kristi: Jack! Again, H yes!
You are Jack. Self-appointed hero and doctor extraordinaire, it's your job to save everyone. You have little time for fun and games, but you do like a good stiff drink every now and then. You prefer your stitches black and have been known to make gross pasta comparisons. And if anyone needs CPR or a tracheotomy, you're the correct person to go to. While I could do the CPR or the trach, not so sure about the whole hero part or saving everyone. BUT, a girl can dream.

Quiz 6: Which 90210 character are you?
Jenny: Donna
Kristi: Aundrea....crap. She got knocked up...plus she was like 30 playing a 18 year old. This does not look good.

Quiz 7: Which OC character are you?
Jenny: Jimmy Cooper (that's hilarious)
Kristi: Anna Stern....crap. She's not even on the show anymore! Although she did get to make out with Seth, so props to her.

Quiz 8: Which Boy Meets World character are you?
Jenny: Mrs. Matthews
Kristi: Cory. At this point I'm starting to think that either A. I'm a compulsive quiz question lier B. I rig the answers or C. I am obsessed with myself and must be the center of attention. The quiz said everything revolves areound what you do. You know what it takes to live a life of goodness but are sometimes tripped up by your friends and your own misunderstanding. You get into trouble but you know that good will come out of it. You are probably very smart but a little lazy (so true). You have a heart of gold, but you let your feelings get the best of you sometimes. Your best friend is Shawn. You do everything you can to make sure that your there for them, just as you probably are for your best friend. A nice little summery I must say.

Quiz 9: Which cereal are you?
Jenny: Honey Smacks
Kristi: Total....can't get much crappier than that

Quiz 10: Which rapper are you?
Jenny: Eminem
Kristi: Nelly
"You are a pimp/pimpette in every sense of the word, not very hardcore but you have mad skills and a ton of talent." Mad skills, likin' that.

Quiz 11: Which Disney mobster are you?
Jenny: Woody
Kristi: Crooked Sheriff Woody....not good. Apparently I used to be an honest cop, but I am now on the mob's payroll (which means Mr. Potato Head was right, I am a back-stabbing murder).

Quiz 12: Which fast food chain are you?
Jenny: Taco Bell
Kristi: also Taco Bell, apparently Taco Bell is an independent thinker who doesn't worry about what other people think. Who knew Taco Bell was so independent.

Quiz 13: Which old school basketball player are you?
Jenny: MJ
Kristi: MJ, seriously that quiz was way too predictable.

Quiz 14: Which Pride and Prejudice character are you:
Jenny: Jane
Kristi: Kitty Bennet. You are loud and somewhat scandalous, though not as much as your sister Lydia. You like men (a lot) but know where to draw the line. Unfortunately, because of your sister's actions, you are constantly screwed over and looked down upon. Poor, poor Kitty. Stupid Lydia.

Quiz 15: Which Laguna Be: ach character are you?
Jenny: LC...lucky.
Kristi: Christina-you're pure and talented, but often give the impression of being two-faced. Sad.

Ok, that is a ridiculously long entey so I'm cutting myself off.

Here We Blog One More Time.........everybody's feelin' fine

In honor of the new movie I purchased last night I would like to introduce you all to a little character named Owen Wilson....Jenny, I believe you're familiar.

Let me set this up just in case none of you saw Wedding Crashers (which I'm sure is all of you...since it received a "R" rating). Pretty sure you can figure out the premise of the movie from the title, but basically they crash weddings and whoo women and the families of the weddings they're crashing with their personalities. So anyway they have to make up jobs and names while they're there and Jeremy (Vince Vaughn) wants to mix it up and this is what John (Owen Wilson) has to say:

John Beckwith: I'd like to be cowboys from Texas or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

One more then I'm done. Love this quote, especially the "ass-out hug" part. Enjoy.

Janice (Vince Vaughn's secretary): I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn): [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Janice: Okay...
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.

Man is that a great quote. Ok, I'm done now. Can't wait for you guys to come back! See you soon.

I dare say these are the best boiled potatoes I have ever had.

Mr. Darcy: You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to travel with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Ms. Westberg: H yes! I'll be Mrs. MacFadyen anyday.

Because it's the first day of 2006 I thought I would take some time to reflect on a few amusing things that have happened in the last year. Here it goes:

1. When Jack Bauer went rogue.
2. When Annalise and I were eating pizza on our front porch in London and this lady went postal on us and sent our dinner flying in the air.
3. When Jenny and Michon revealed the true name of “Girl Jeans”
4. When I found out that his real name is Seve McGooglebie
5. When Kristin called me in London, I loved that day.
6. The “Spiderman” episode of the OC
7. Jenny’s soccer themed birthday party…..was that 2005? Not sure.
8. When we all became obsessed with Lost.
9. Ashley’s wedding
10. When Michon and I provided warm up music for your soccer games…..amazing picks Michon.
11. When Annalise told the guy at Pizza Hut her name was Pepperoni. (is it just me, or do lots of things go wrong when Annalise and I eat pizza)
12. When I got my job in Provo and got to move back up near all you cool cats.
13. When Ashley and I actually graduated. (props to Ash for doing it on time)
14. When I fell down the stairs on Tower Bridge.
15. When Jackie called me to make plans to see a movie a month in advance, man that girl’s funny.
16. When Kristin and I opened up the Brotha / Cracka sweatshop.
17. When Bridget and I took sewing together and pretty much messed up everything we made.
18. When Adam played host to Katy and I and I spilled his precious French vanilla hot cocoa on myself and Katy.
19. When Andy dressed up as Jenny for Halloween.
20. When I discovered the art of blogging and started the revolution.

So there's a little recap of some amusing things from this year. Most of those are pretty recent, which proves that my memory is crap, but fun none the less.